The Voice in your Community
September 10th 2020, Issue 100
Previous articles by Owd Grandad Piggott can be found here
Seagulls and stuff
I went round to Owd Grandad Piggotts and knocked loudly on the door, I wanted my drill back because I knew that if I didn’t get it back soon, I’d never see it again. His wife came to the door.
‘Ay’s gone ite’, she told me.
‘Has he gone far?’ I asked.
‘Eee ar dunner know lad - ay dunner tell may weer ay goos.’ she replied. ‘Probly gone dine th’bookies knowin’ ‘im. An hour later, a police car pulled up outside. Owd Grandad Piggott hadn’t gone to the bookies.
He had been arrested. He’d bought a pork pie and gone down to St John’s churchyard to devour it. He had taken a single bite out of it and a large seagull had swooped down and relieved him of it, then a couple of pigeons had mugged the seagull and done the same thing. With a wild bellow of anger, Owd Grandad had seized a stone and hurled it at the marauding birds, missed and the stone had gone through the window of the shop opposite. Owd Grandad Piggott had obviously thrown it with some force for it to take out a plate glass window. But that wasn’t the end of it.
At that time, Walter Mellenchip was taking his constitutional through the churchyard and had stopped in amazement when the stone had gone through the shop window with a splintering crash.
‘What at they gorpin’ at??’ bellowed Owd Grandad Piggott. Walter was an inoffensive come day go day little bloke who didn’t go looking for trouble and when Owd Grandad Piggott set into him, a passing lady called the police who quickly turned up and arrested Owd Grandad Piggott. He was of course well known to the local constabulary.
‘Bloody pigeons!’ shouted Grandma Piggott fiercely ‘Gets himself arrested and a bill for a shop window because two pigeons pinched his filthy pork pie.
Again, it wasn’t the end of it. Owd Grandad Piggott was fined, had to pay for the window and was served with a good behaviour order with a dire threat that if he stepped out of line again, he would be tied to a gun carriage, horse whipped and the salt rubbed in.
Staying out of trouble was not Owd Grandad Piggott’s strong suit and Walter Mellenchip knew that he could walk the streets unscathed for a few weeks. He exploited this by deliberately goading Owd Grandad Piggott. One day, he superglued a half crown piece to the cobbles outside Owd Grandad Piggott’s front door Of course, Owd Grandad Piggott spent two hours trying to pick it up, pouring hot water on it, smashing at it with the coal hammer and finally giving up, then Perce Lockett told him what Walter Mellenchip had done whereby Owd Grandad Piggott swore terrible vengeance on him. The next day, while Walter was having his haircut at the barbers, Owd Grandad Piggott loosened all the wheel nuts on his bike.
When Walter tried to mount his bike, the bike went one way, Walter went the other way and finished up in Lijah Coleclough’s dustbin.
It took three months, the duration of Owd Grandad Piggott’s good behaviour order for the dust to settle on the matter but Walter Mellenchip walked on glass for quite a few weeks after.